My wife is a trooper.
To say Jordan is injury-prone is a slight understatement. Where she provides an overabundance of beauty, brains and entertainment, she has an equal excess of clumsiness, bad luck and low pain tolerance.
On Sept. 30, it all came to a head — well, almost a head; more like a finger.
We were at the annual Cassville Alumni Soccer Game, where as a former coach and sponsor for the event, I am graciously allowed to play even though I didn’t graduate from Cassville. As I am on the field most of the game remembering how I’m not 18 anymore and thinking about how much my legs will hurt the next day, Jordan is in charge of taking photos for the event, primarily to share with participants.
Sitting on the front row of the bleachers with little 2-year-old Olivia within arm’s reach, Jordan took hundreds of photos at the game before she became the most injured person at the event.
Yes, the photographer — not an out-of-shape, out-of-breath, out-of-skill “old guy” — suffered the greatest injury, and in the smallest of places.
Late in the second half, a ball went bouncing out of bounds toward the bleachers, and Jordan determined if she did not act, it would hit an umbrella being held by a pregnant woman in the stands behind her who would have no clue what was about to happen.
Unable to stand by and let the woman be hit with the ball, Jordan did her best impression of Alyssa Naeher (goalkeeper for the U.S. Women’s National Team), and batted the ball away from danger.
She nailed that world-class save, literally. She soon realized the ball had popped her acrylic nail off, ripping her natural nail from the tip of her finger and pushing the back end into her nail bed.
After realizing the impact of the impact, she was stuck at a crossroads. Not wanting to bother me during the game, she passed the camera to another spectator and, with the help of her mother who happened to be returning our eldest home from a creek visit, shuttled the girls and herself home.
After the game ended, I collected my belongings and went looking for my beloved and our kiddos. I was quite confused that no one was there and I didn’t have any texts or messages at all, not to mention a person I did not know handing my camera back to me on the sidelines.
Befuddled, I assumed maybe the baby got too hot or something came up and everyone was at home. I was right about the second part.
As I loaded my gear into my car, my phone started buzzing. Ahh, here she is.
“Hey babe,” I answered. “Hey — did you win?” Jordan responded in a meek, On-the-verge-of-tears voice.
“Yeeesssssss,” I said in an anticipatory drawl. “OK, I need you to come home now — it hurts, it hurts, it hurts,” she replied.
I sighed. Who knows what was waiting for me. “Yes, my love. I’m on my way.” The entire drive home, I was racking my brain. What could be the cause of this distress, and why didn’t she tell me on the phone?
Fortunately my drive from the soccer field to home is less than a minute, and I had my answer.
Jordan had opted against her mom’s advice of pulling the nail out with pliers, and ultimately, I kept the girls at home while Mercy ER doctors pulled it out at the hospital, probably with a medical tool essentially like pliers.
Since the ordeal, things have begun to improve. The nail is not exactly growing back yet, though it is finally normal-looking enough that Jordan can stand to glance at it without feeling nauseous.
In the meantime, she has removed the acrylic nails, vowing to never get them done that way again. I, however, am not totally convinced a wedding invite or other fancy event may persuade her to get more. Only time will tell there.
Two things are for sure. First, despite being half as likely to lose a fingernail, I am still the clear leader in our household’s hand injury statistics considering I only have one.
And second, after this column goes to press, I will likely extend my record for nights spent on the couch. I hope it doesn’t hurt as much as playing 80 minutes of soccer did (or losing a fingernail).
Kyle Troutman has served as the editor of the Cassville Democrat since 2014 and became Publisher in 2023. He was named William E. James/Missouri Outstanding Young Journalist for daily newspapers in 2017, and he won a Golden Dozen Award from ISWINE in 2022. He may be reached at 417-847-2610 or ktroutman@cassville- democrat.com.
