On Monday, a hands-clasped, red-clothed, pointy-hatted mischief-maker arrived at our home for the sixth year, confirming without any shadow of a doubt a simple fact — Santa Claus does not have children.

If he did, there would be some semblance of sympathy. Instead, for 24 nights in December, let me break down the kinds of antics “Cookie Cream” — our Elf on the Shelf named by our oldest in 2019 — gets up to when we’re all asleep.

For one, our elf has a real fascination with our tree. Every year on the morning of Dec. 1, Cookie Cream can be found perched in the tree somewhere, no doubt having hidden gifts for the kiddos somewhere within the prickly needles of our pre-lit, store-bought fir. On the bright side, at least with the artificial tree, the gifts don’t gat all sappy.

This year, after crashing into our chalk-board easel and getting chalk all over himself, Cookie Cream left make-your-own ornaments with handprints. A 4-year-old and 10-year-old surely won’t make a mess with that kind of craft, so thanks, Cookers.

To be fair, after the first night or two, the elf tends to have a few more docile ones. Sometimes he hides in odd places, like in the candy bowl on top of the refrigerator or behind the corner of the TV, peeking out just enough to keep an eye on the girls to report back to Saint Nick each night.

Cookie Cream also likes to attend the area Christmas parades. On the day of Cassville’s parade, he likes to show up in a jar, allowing the girls to carry him around without the worry of touching him and ruining the “magic.”

He has learned a bit over the years. There was only a few hours of trauma in 2021 when he showed up in a mason jar and was accidentally dropped, causing the jar to shatter and me having to use a pair of tongs to get him to safety. These days, Mr. Cookie opts for plastic drink containers instead of mason jars.

The seven days leading up to Christmas is when the pure chaos occurs. From throwing extravagant tea parties with the girls’ toys to fishing for toy sharks in the sink, there’s no telling what our Elf will get up to.

Though each year is a bit different, there are always three consistent escapades leading up to the big day, some of which involve the “air”-plane he’s been using for a few years. In no specific order, Cookie Cream is always bound to:

1. Attach himself to the ceiling fan in the living room and swing in circles all day, usually adding some toilet paper to each fan blade for added spinning effect

2. Set up a zipline from the front door to the kitchen, hanging ornaments across the rope and hanging on for dear life as he slowly travels from one side to the other throughout the day

3. The coup de gras every year always involves his favorite prop, the tree, and a short poem — “I see London, I see France, I see [someone’s] underpants” (in case you missed it, it also involves multiple pairs of one family member’s underwear tossed all over the tree).

I might be a grumpy old man about the more topsy-turvy days, but also, invariably, there are at least one or two nights out of the 24 where Cookie Cream “forgetfully” never moves at all. In those instances, my wife, Jordan, and I are less likely to wake up to the bells a’jingling in the night, but we are “just as dismayed” on those mornings at his apparent lack of luster.

All in all, I may be a little frothy about a little feller from the North Pole breaking and entering into my house every day in December; but when it comes down to it, the amount of joy on the kids’ faces every day when they see what new wild thing he does each of those days is enough to keep from from calling Cassville’s finest.

The way I see it, Jordan and I have at least another decade with Cookie Cream, and he’s been hinting from time to time now that since our youngest is getting older, she might have an Elf on the Shelf assigned to her in another year or two.

To that, I say bring it on, Bah Humbug.

Kyle Troutman has served as editor of the Cassville Democrat since 2014 and owner/publisher since 2023. He is a three-time ISWNE Golden Dozen award winner. He may be reached at 417-847-2610 or [email protected].