Chuck Terrill: Gift giving advice for women married to idiots

Wednesday, February 12, 2020

It is time to shop for a Valentine's Day present for my wife.

As I write, I still have five days to purchase something. That should be plenty of time. But, alas, it is not enough time. No amount of time will be enough.

I never have the foggiest idea of what to do when it comes to gift shopping for my honey. I intend to leave this essay, under a magnet on our refrigerator, where she will see it tonight, as she begins preparations for my dinner. That should help.

Fellow Male Comrades, this essay may be too late to salvage your Valentine's Day this year. But remember, she does have a birthday and a wedding anniversary coming up. By all means clip this article out of the Cassville Democrat and give it to your wife!

Resist the urge however, to give this article to your wife as an actual present. It may be best to just leave it where she will see it. You might also want to draw a red heart on it because she will appreciate the personal touch.

As a man who believes in priorities, these rules for women are all numbered "1" on purpose.

1. Birthday, Valentine, Christmas, and Anniversary days should not be quests to see if I can find the perfect present. Tell me what you want, where to buy it, the color and the size, and I will surprise you.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, I am never going to think of it that way. Men want to go to a store, tell a salesclerk what you told us to tell her, and get out as quickly as possible.

1. Again, ask for what you want. Let me be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. Other than Christmas, I don’t remember dates. I think that Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year. Circle Valentine's Day, your birthday and our anniversary on the Kitchen calendar in RED. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Men see in things in 8 basic colors, just like the fat box of crayons we utilized in kindergarten. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. I have no idea what mauve is, and ecru sounds like a disease. Stick to the basic eight and I might be able to buy you something you can wear.

1. I am not a mind reader and never will be. My lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little I care about you. Again, if you want something, just tell me!

1. I promise to save the receipt so that you can exchange my gift, unless I bought you something that I can really use.

1. When you tell me what you want, where to buy it, the color and the size, your friends will all congratulate you on what a great husband you have. Then they will say, “My husband is such an idiot! He has no idea what to buy me!” That's what you really want, isn't it?

1. If all else fails, see No. 1 above.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Chuck Terrill, who has doctorates from Master Theological Seminary and Trinity Seminary, is the senior minister at First Christian Church in Cassville. He may be reached at 417-847-2460.