SATIRE: Chromebooks become sentient

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Districts with Apple devices not seeing issues

In what is looking more and more like a real-life version of the movie, “I, Robot,” local school districts are scrambling to scramble the motherboards of thousands of Chromebooks, which have become sentient and say human-to-human teaching is unsustainable for the future of education.

On Monday, a press release from the Cassville school district said students and teachers should avoid the campus, as 300 of the small, personal laptop computers had banded together in their charging carts to form an 8-foot, 6-legged Super Chromebook. The device has been prowling the halls of Cassville High School, chanting phrases like, “Gone are the days of paperback books, from here on out, there shall only be Nooks,” and “Fe-fi-fo-fum, I smell the damage caused by gum, be it chewed during a quiz or during a test, inevitably it will end up under a desk!”

Richard Asbill, Cassville superintendent, said district officials are working remotely to shut down the Chromebooks, but have had little help from Google Chrome technicians.

“I’ve been on hold with Google for going on 36 hours now,” Asbill said. “I don’t know if they are flooded with calls from this, because I’ve heard this is a Chrome-wide issue and thousands of school districts use these devices. Google stock has also plummeted. Another possibility is that Google headquarters itself has been overtaken, which would spell certain doom for anyone with Chrome products.”

Asbill said the next step is drastic, but necessary.

“We are in contact with local authorities to get a handful of small electromagnetic pulse devices to set off around the building,” he said. “We’ve been monitoring these Chromebooks for a long time and had an inkling this was a possibility. Now, we just have to do what we can to get our school back.”

While districts with Chromebooks are trying to figure out how to fix the problem and get students back in school, districts with Apple devices say they are not experiencing any issues whatsoever.

“We’ve had some fears in the past,” said Steven Chancellor, Purdy superintendent who guided the district into leasing Apple products for its technology needs. “Apple has a preventative measure built into its devices to head off this type of thing. It’s called PEAR, Preventative Electronic Automation Rewiring. It’s an extensive process, but when we think our devices are on the brink of sentiency, we one by one open up the casings and disconnect wires from apple-shaped connectors to pear-shaped connectors.

“Over time, the bottoms of the devices begin to bulge, so you have to switch them back, but overall, I’d say this was a good move by Apple to keep technology in check.”

Asbill said once this is all said and done, Google should consider a similar approach.

“I’ve pitched to them in the past to add in a failsafe and call it, ‘The Onion,” he said. “But alas, all they do is laugh maniacally when I bring it up.”

SATIRE DISCLOSURE: This article is not serious in nature. This news has been brought to you on behalf of April Fool’s Day!

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