SATIRE: Forecasters predict hurricanes to affect Flat Creek this year

Wednesday, April 3, 2019
This Weather Service hurricane tracker prediction shows where storms are expected to appear and when the alligatornadoes may pop up. Photoshopped photo

Weather Service: ‘Highest probability ever of alligatornadoes’

Weather forecasters this year are predicting some unusual weather, especially in southwest Missouri, where they are calling for hurricanes strong enough to transport alligators from Louisiana, and Barry County is directly in the path.

According to sources, there is the highest chance in history for these “alligatornadoes” to spring up, and local waterways are at risk.

“We’ve been on the horn with the Army Corps of Engineers and state officials,” said Steve Walensky, Cassville city administrator. “Basically, since we’ve done so much cleanout over the past couple years, Flat Creek has the highest chance to receive a downfall of alligators.

“The worst part is, we don’t know how many to expect. It could be one, or it could be 100. Mother Nature hasn’t responded to our messages.”

Walensky said to counteract the possibility of “alligatornadoes,” the city is considering filling in portions of the creek again.

“It would be a shame to go back on all the work we have done, and once this threat passes, go back and do it all again,” he said. “But, we feel like we don’t have a choice. The creek flows right through the park. Even one alligator in that creek would be too many.

“Our only other option seems to be filing the creek with onions. Apparently, alligators don’t like onions.”

Weather experts say the “alligatornadoes” will be made possible by strong winds coming from the Bermuda Triangle, pushing south of Florida and through Louisiana before heading for Missouri.

“Normally, things disappear in the Bermuda Triangle, but this time, we are confident in saying the opposite will happen — things will appear,” a confidential source with the Weather Service said.

The Service believes there is a 4.1 percent chance of this happening.

“That’s a 4.1 percent higher chance than ever before,” Walensky said.

SATIRE DISCLOSURE: This article is not serious in nature. This news has been brought to you on behalf of April Fool’s Day!

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