SATIRE: New drug Gleeforall circulating in area

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Police: ‘The only danger from this new substance is happiness’

A new drug has been making the rounds in the local area, and police say it is not a threat.

Gleeforall, a pharmaceutically enhanced form of serotonin, has been circulated by dealers, wearing bright yellow and green jumpsuits, at various locations in the county, and free of charge.

Research shows side effects, reportedly described as a “high,” include compulsory skipping, uncontrollable clapping of hands, the urge to compliment total strangers, a need to smile, friendly waving, manners, a love for onions, volunteerism and charity.

“We’ve been tracking this drug since Monday, and although it feels strange to say, we do not plan to criminalize it, even though it is being used entirely recreationally,” a law enforcement officer in the area said. “There are a lot of bad drugs around here, and this is not one of them.

“We would never encourage drug use, but in this case, we also cannot ethically discourage it.”

People who have not used Gleeforall have also noticed a change in the community, which has been attributed to the drug’s presence.

“I just have never seen people so happy,” said Racheal Freeman, Cassville Area Chamber of Commerce director. “I’ve had more than 50 people come by my office since Monday just to say hello and ask how my day is going.

“At least 10 people have volunteered to be help in our next Chamber event, and one person brought me a huge box of chocolates.”

Freeman said the gift has made her reflect on life.

“It’s a great metaphor for life, you know,” she said. “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get. Thankfully, we have been blessed to get an abundance of Gleeforall.”

SATIRE DISCLOSURE: This article is not serious in nature. This news has been brought to you on behalf of April Fool’s Day!

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