Jacob Brower: Griswold moving misadventures

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Enough time has passed that I can now talk about this.

Any time I get a new job that requires me to move, bad things happen.

I'm not exactly sure why they happen, but they do.

Let me give you a recap of the past few entries on my resume:

* The Morning Sun, Pittsburg, Kan., 2007: Car breaks down. I have to start work a week later than originally agreed. Junker car is purchased to get by until a better car can be obtained. Junker breaks down my first day on the job. More time missed from work.

* The Daily Citizen, Searcy, Ark., 2010: Car breaks down on the drive from Pittsburg. Moving trip delayed.

Which brings me to my move to Barry County in December.

The good news is, no vehicle broke down. The bad news is -- well, everything else.

Here is a recap of our moving misadventures over Thanksgiving weekend:

Friday, Nov. 29

* Not enough room to fit all our stuff into moving truck. Huge pile of furniture and appliances left on the curb. Movers go well over time contracted. (Unplanned expense No. 1)

* House finally packed. All that remains is to drive the SUV onto the trailer and hit the road. After hours of searching, the SUV key is not located. (Weeks later, the key is found in my wife's laptop bag.)

* Locksmith hired to make new SUV key. After nearly two hours, a new key is made. (Unplanned expense No. 2.)

* By this time, it is late and dark, and a five-hour drive on windy roads awaits. Despite having one day left on the lease, staying in the house is not an option, since all the furniture is packed in the moving truck. Night spent at Searcy hotel. (Unplanned expense No. 3.)

Saturday, Nov. 30

* Drive to Missouri goes smoothly. As planned, dinner is eaten at my parents' house near Anderson. The plan was to spend the night there before the lease began Sunday. Water stops running at my parents' house. Night spent at Anderson hotel. (Unplanned expense No. 4.)

* Positive note: I get to see the final minutes of Missouri defeating Texas A&M to advance to the SEC Championship game at the hotel. So, there's that.

Sunday, Dec. 1

* Furniture moved into new home.

* After dark, moving truck returned to Aurora in the thickest fog I have ever seen. GPS takes us to the wrong location several times. The wife, who is following behind me, calls my cell and says it may be best to go home and try again tomorrow. This prompts a tirade by me, matching -- if not exceeding -- any Clark Griswold rant. I don't remember the exact words, but I'm pretty sure I exclaimed, "This is a quest!" at some point.

We later learn we could have dropped the truck off in Monett. The bill for the moving truck also comes out higher than originally indicated. (Unplanned expense No. 5.)

Monday, Dec. 2

* First day on the job. Despite my best efforts, I am still traumatized from the last three days' events.

I have heard told that if inmates were forced to move, day after day, the crime rate would plummet. I tend to agree, though the courts would probably rule that it violates the Eighth Amendment prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment.

The moral of the story? I think we'll make this our last move for a long, long time.

Someday, we will sell our story to a Hollywood film company and become millionaires. Despite the age difference, I will request that Chevy Chase play me.

If the deal requires us to move to Hollywood to be involved in the production, I'm not interested.

Jacob Brower is the publisher of the Cassville Democrat. He can be reached at jbrower@cassville-democrat.com, or 417-847-2610.